Corona: the life, the changes, the realization

Who would have thought that an organism so microscopic could cause such a worldwide chaos. Who would have thought that this could happen within our lifetime, just when we are starting a new decade.

This illness is so alarming because even the most meticulous still gets infected. Despite their PPE's and effort to stay safe, some of them still becomes sick. How much more for those who are not keen regarding this situation. They are at a higher risk.

The anxiety that this pandemic caused has affected almost everyone of us. It affects us in many different ways, unique ways. Ways we cannot predict. Even me, as a Medical Student and Nurse, was not spared from it. 

Yes, I was exposed to a confirmed POSITIVE COVID PATIENT. I never got the chance to be tested because of the "brilliance" of this government. But let us not go there, because this blog aims to make us feel that we are not alone and our fears and anxiety can be managed and are valid.

TIMELINE

MARCH 13, 2020 | Friday

This was our last exposure with PATIENT X. We work together for a cancer facility and we are all nurses. This day was not different from the other days, except that the government is starting to be shaken by the imminent danger that the pandemic might cause. Actually they tried to ignore it and fool around in the beginning. PATIENT X was not feeling anything. Nothing alarming, I guess. Oh ok, I remember. When we came back from our break the security guard took her temp. and it was around 38 degrees. We just laughed at it and even cracked jokes saying she might have COVID. The day ended as normal.

MARCH 14, 2020 | Saturday

PATIENT X experienced symptoms of high fever, diarrhea, generalized weakness and vomiting. She is a known case of hyperthyroidism and she thought this was just another "THYROID STORM ATTACK". She was then brought to a prominent hospital and was attended to accordingly. 

MARCH 18, 2020 | Wednesday

One of our co Nurse saw a post by PATIENT X on FB that she is being prepared to be tested for COVID because she developed Pneumonia already. When I knew about this, I was in shock. But being a nurse and a medical student the first thing that I did was to read if there is a connection between THYROID STORM and PNEUMONIA. I want to know if the reason for her Pneumonia was the thyroid storm. I was not given the answer that I wanted. There is no direct connection between pneumonia and thyroid storm. That was the time when I started to feel the fear crawl unto me. I was with a blank stare. I was hoping that PATIENT X is negative. 

After March 18 we did not hear anything from her. We continued with our lives. With our work. But together with my set of friends we started to become more anxious. We made sure that we quarantine ourselves despite the results not yet out.

MARCH 20, 2020 | Monday

DOOMS DAY

I will never forget this day. We were asked by our head to be online via zoom for a meeting at 9:00AM. WTF meeting at 9:00AM? This must be really urgent. I already have a hunch but I was still in denial. The meeting started and yes, the thing that we were all afraid of came. First thing in the morning. After I left the zoom meeting, my tears fell and my heart raced. I can feel it in my chest. I am so scared. A lot was running through my mind. I cannot think clearly. All I know was I don't want to die. 

This was the first time in my entire life, that I can remember that I felt helpless. I wanted to get tested. I want to know if I have it, but I have no means. The testing during that time was so difficult to get. Even the people in the hospital never gets tested. I was holding my phone crying. My tears fell even more when the idea that I live with my family sinked in. TANGINA, I live with my mom, my brother and my younger sister. If anything happens to them it is me and me alone that I will blame. I cannot afford to see them sick. They are all that I have. I was devastated. Because I am helpless. I do not know if I have it or not. 

That was when I started to become more keen on isolation. They noticed me acting peculiar. I made sure to monitor my temperature every 4 hours. I never took any form of medication to make sure I will not mask any symptoms. I never went down or left my room especially if they are in the living room or eating. I made sure that whenever I eat there is no left over on my plate because they have a habit of eating what I leave on my plate. I even reached a point that I wipe the light switch with alcohol whenever I touch it. It was mentally and physically tiring. I monitor them everyday. I ask them if they feel anything. If they do have cough or fever. I was doing it for 3 weeks. It was tiring. I prayed every day. I was begging the Lord to spare us. I was praying to him that if I have it, please just let it stay with me. They do not deserve it. 

MARCH 25, 2020 | Wednesday

My heart still racing because of the anxiety from all that I read online. From all the knowledge that I know about this illness. I broke down into tears. I told the Lord that I can't lose them. Please not my family. I was so down. My mind can't function anymore. My anxiety is taking a toll on my body. Despite not feeling any symptoms I a being eaten by anxiety. There were reports of patients who were asymptomatic. There were reports that some of the patients never had fever nor cough. This makes my anxiety reach greater heights. It was really difficult. I felt so guilty. But I need to decide. And I choose strength over fear. This changed everything. I accepted the fact that, yes, I was exposed but I still can do something. I made sure that my health is at its best. I have my trusty multivitamins with me and my fluid intake for this period was excellent. I eat in controlled portions because too much rice or carbs triggers my asthma. I exercise everyday as well, kasi yoko din mawala ang muscles LOL. I do not know if my interventions worked for me but I am sure my prayers did. It was when I pray that I become more relaxed and composed.

This 3-week period was hell. It was one of the most uncomfortable that I've become. It was a mental torture. It tested my entire being. 

Days passed and no one of us developed symptoms, even my co nurses. And how about PATIENT X? Do not worry, she was discharged and well. After 3 weeks I was able to be more relaxed and was able to think clearly.

This pandemic and the exposure made my eyes open to the reality that we can all end, all of a sudden. No one is spared. I am reminded of how much I love my family. I was so happy to be able to mature in this unlikely time. I am thankful to be less of myself and more of them. This time made my heart believe even more, that all we have to do is to knock and He will open it for us. 

In times like this it is easy to become helpless and weak. We are all dealing with something so big. A lot of plans are derailed. Businesses are struggling. Something we are not prepared for. And let me just remind you that IT IS OK. To be sad, anxious and fearful is OK. 

But please, remember that this will all end. Our Lord is faithful with his promise and would never forsake us. His saving grace may manifest in different ways. Maybe something that may favor what we want or something that we don't. Either way, all of this will end.We will be able to be in one place again. We will be able to eat together. Pray together. Hug our friends. One day all of these will just become stories. Stories that we will learn from. Stories that would make us cling to love and faith even more. But for now we need to be still. To be strong is too much to ask because it is so hard at this moment. Let us be still and hopeful.

Better days are coming.